A Teen Called Me Out – And I Deserved It

It started with an email I happened to see late Sunday night just before leaving work: “Confirmation Concern.” I braced myself for the news that a candidate was choosing not to be Confirmed right now or some issue with her sponsor. But what I read instead startled me.

In very mature and clear language, this young lady made it clear that the dress code for Confirmation made her uncomfortable. She said its restrictions made it seem like female bodies were shameful and that the candidates and their families were not to be trusted in choosing appropriate clothing. I was floored! My thoughtfully crafted dress code was shame-y and toxic?!

As a faithful Catholic feminist, I was familiar with precisely the sort of concern she was expressing. Much of the common Catholic (and more broadly Christian) language around modesty and the clothing women and girls wear is genuinely problematic. It doesn’t do much to support our claims that all human beings are the image of God when we hyper-focus on the length of skirt hems and whether or not a neckline exposes too much clavicle. Modesty is about much more than clothing; it applies to women AND men, and what is modest can’t be standardized across different bodies, cultures, climates, and contexts.

I pride myself on being a pretty “woke” youth minister. This criticism couldn’t possibly apply to a document I created, could it?

Well, I took a look, to be sure. It turns out that I had been recycling the same dress code for several years, and frankly, it needed updating. Despite my attempts to balance the list of expectations for male and female candidates, the language I used on the “female” list was specific to a fault. She was right, and I needed to eat some humble pie.

I had already scheduled a Zoom call with the candidate and her mom to talk things over. By the time that day came, I was prepared to be real and vulnerable. Most of the call was taken up with my gratitude for her bringing this to my attention and us working together to articulate my actual attire-related concerns in a more constructive and human-dignity-honoring way. I posted the updated guidelines (dropping the more draconian “dress code” language altogether) and, a few days later, received another note of thanks from the candidate’s mother for how the situation was handled. I’d call that a win!

The takeaway for all of us in ministry is threefold:

1. Review and update your stuff! Lots of resources are perennial in ministry, but as our culture shifts and your formation, as a minister deepens, fine-tuning is necessary and fruitful (even if it makes you cringe sometimes).
2. Know that what you say matters. Whether a teen or parent actually approaches you about it, the connotations of our words and actions impact their perceptions of the Church and, thereby, their relationship with Christ.
3. MOST OF ALL: Build a culture of trust where teens know their perspectives are welcomed and valued! The best part about this whole experience wasn’t just that it was resolved amicably, but that the issue was brought to my attention in the first place – by the teen herself! With her mom’s support, this candidate felt it was worthwhile to raise her concerns. She didn’t fear being shut down for “questioning my authority.” She felt it might make a difference. And she felt that way because of the culture we’ve grown at our parish.

Be prepared actually to be wrong sometimes. Celebrate when God gives you the gift of someone to tell you so. I hope a teen calls you out soon!