Why Parents Are Mean And Scary

When I started youth ministry, I was intimidated by the parents of teens in my church. The idea that I had to give people, who were close to my parents in age, advice was daunting. At the same time, my perspective of parents was heavily influenced by the lamenting and complaining of the students. They would constantly make comments like:

• Chris, my parents, just don’t get it.
• Chris, it’s completely unfair what they are doing.
• Chris, my parents, never listen to me.

I would empathize with the teens while throwing in support towards the parents; however, over time, it influenced me to look at parents through a negative lens.

Fortunately, it changed for me because of a few essential volunteers who were able to deal with my immaturity and guide me towards a better understanding of the parents in our parish. Additionally, by attending workshops and reading books on partnering with parents, I built a healthier relationship with them.

As a ministry coach, I still hear from ministry leaders, both old and young, how much they find parents mean or scary. But, if you can’t partner with parents and families, you’ll never be able to grow a healthy ministry geared toward the next generation. So if you struggle with parents, try:

RECOGNIZING THAT THERE IS A BIGGER STORY

We all know that what teens tell us about their parents is only one side of the story. Additionally, what you experience with parents can sometimes be a facade. As a dad, I’m okay admitting when life is a mess; however, not with everyone. You will sometimes get from me, “We are good.” When ten minutes earlier, I was reaming out my oldest son. There are other times when you’ll get my anger, frustration, or sadness, not because of what you did but because I’m scared, confused, or worried I’m messing up my child.

Parents don’t need to share everything that is going on in their life and their kid’s life, but they do need to know you are willing to listen. Before you give a parent advice or make a judgment on who they are, take a moment to listen deeply and carefully. If parents know you are paying attention, they’ll trust that you care, which builds investment.

ALIGNING WITH THE PARENTS

Parents are not always right, but we must be careful when discrediting a parent in front of their child. If a teen is going to complain about mom or dad, you don’t have to come to the parent’s defense; however, you need to help the teen recognize that there is another side to the issue.

Aligning with parents also means respecting their rules, even if it inconveniences your ministry. If parents don’t want their sixth graders to have a phone, don’t centralize the church around devices. If parents feel their kids need to miss small groups because of homework (or any reason), feel free to have a conversation with the parent, but don’t question their decision in front of the other kid.

Show teens how to honor their parents by showing them respect will make a massive difference in how kids will treat their parents at home. After all, they are looking at how you would react in their situation.

INVESTING IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH CHRIST

Parents might struggle to bring their kids to Christ because they work to do the same thing for themselves. If you want to grow in your relationship with your parents, try helping them grow in their relationship with Christ.

While inviting parents to participate in small groups or a workshop is helpful, it’s better to make sure that when you meet with parents, you are praying with them and checking in on their spiritual journey. If you are meeting with a parent individually, ask them, “How’s your faith life going?” or “Are there any areas of faith you want to explore more?”

When you tell parents that their relationship with Christ matters to you, they’ll see you as more than just a resource for their kids. When we show parents we care about them, they open up and become a little less intimidating. You’ll discover a willingness to deal with their emotions when they come out in unexpected ways.

Just as teens need someone to accompany them, parents need to know they are not alone in the journey. So don’t be afraid, and get to know the parents in your parish.

What do you do to best connect with parents in your church?