Three Truths About Small Group Leading

It was quiet, a little too quiet for me. As an extrovert, I have a hard time with awkward pauses; I wouldn’t say I like the thought that the conversation has been exhausted and that people are bored out of their minds. I began to wonder if I had planned enough for the group; I was desperate to break the silence; it was killing me, and then finally, someone spoke. Within seconds the conversation was flowing once again.

I had forgotten my own advice. Every year I tell small group leaders to use the silence. But, there I was forgetting my own advice, ready to label this gathering as a failure. Even the most experienced youth workers needed to be reminded of those small truths. We have to remember that small groups don’t grow on a straight trajectory. There are situations and seasons when leading is tough. It’s in those moments we have to remember the small truths like:

CONSISTENT ATTENDANCE TAKES CONSISTENT CHECK-INS

There will be weeks when every teen shows up and times when only one joins the group. A sudden drop in attendance does not mean you’ve failed as a leader; it means life happened. Whether your group is growing and shrinking, it is important to follow up with teens and their parents. If a teen attends, make sure you send a recap like:

“Hey, it was great seeing you this weekend; I love it when you shared that thought. Don’t forget next week we’re going to discuss a new topic. Let me know if you have any questions.”

If a teen misses, simply check-in and send them a note like:

“Hey, we missed you this evening; I hope all is okay. Let me know if you need anything or want to chat about what we discussed. Next week we’re going to discuss a new topic; I hope you can make it. Let me know if you need anything.”

It might not help with their ability to attend; however, it will let them know that their presence matters. When a leader reaches out to his or her group outside of their regular meeting time, it speaks volumes. Your leader is essentially telling each group member that they are a crucial part of the group, and without them, something is missing.

DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE SILENT/SQUIRRELY/DISTRACTED KID 

It constantly bothered me when a teen would sit silently and never participate in the conversation. It used to bother me much more than the one that made distracting sounds or could not sit still in his chair. I had to learn that even though a teen did not add to the conversation, they were still engaged. The fruit of their engagement would appear in a variety of forms. Sometimes they would see me at Mass and randomly share a thought that had been percolating since group. Other times I would talk to their parents, sharing their child’s insights from the group. Years later, when that teen was now an adult, I would run into them, and they would quote something I said years prior.

Not everyone participates in the conversation in the same way. Even the students who are doodling on a pad or playing a mindless game on their phones could be listening. We have to remember that some people are introverted, internal processors, and need time before inserting their thoughts. This is where using the silence is so important and necessary.

PARENTS NEED TO KNOW YOUR NAME

We talk about how much our leaders need to know their teens’ parents’ names, but how well do the parents know them? As a youth ministry director, I love when a parent reaches out to their teen’s small group leader over me. It affirms the work we’ve put in to strengthen the bond between families and the church. To help parents get to know their child’s leader, you need to make sure that your leaders communicate with the families. Ensure your leaders know what is happening so that they are confident to pass along everything needed. When a parent is engaged (especially middle school parents), the teen is more likely to invest in your ministry for the long run.

While small groups are not the silver bullet to a healthy ministry, they help you create an engaging culture. But, it takes more than just gathering. Your leaders need to be intuned with the dynamics of relationships and conversations. Remind them of these nuanced truths and help them lead with confidence.

What other small steps do we need to take to build a healthy small group culture?

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