This year will be a first. It’ll be the first time I lead a youth ministry with my own child being a part of it. He and I have already had the conversation around what that looks like, and I assured him that there would be no stories in any of my talks about something he did or did not do. But, now that I am the parent of a middle school student, I’m reminded that parents are important to the ministry.
Even as an employee of the church for over 17 years and someone who is currently getting his master’s in pastoral theology, I at times feel inadequate. I am guilty of comparing myself to other parents. When I see the “Catholic” family two rows ahead of me in Mass, I wonder, “How do they keep all 5,6,7+ of their kids in line?” While I’ve had discussions with my sons about online safety and all the other wonderful things they can discover online, I panic at the idea of what it will look like when we have heavier conversations. As a youth minister, I keep telling myself, “You got this!” and as a parent, I’m thinking, “You’ve already messed this one up!”
Whether you are a parent or not, it’s important to make parents a priority in your ministry. I believe we all know that, but sometimes the way we treat parents is an afterthought. Instead of accompanying and walking alongside them, we create hoops to jump through and invite them to gatherings that bore the crap out of them. While I don’t have all the solutions, as a parent and a youth minister, this is what I learned:
Parenting is hard, and the number of emotions I have around my kids goes from beautiful to shameful. I know I don’t always do the right thing. It’s worse when you know the right thing, but you still do the same thing. While I have friends and a therapist that I can lament about this stuff, I need to know the Church won’t shame me for being human.
I’ve found that the parents I’m closest to are the ones that I’ve taken the time to grab a cup of coffee or sit on the phone and listen to. Several parents, I know who don’t have someone they can talk to who will empathize and affirm their feelings. We all need someone like that, but if you, as someone who cares about kids and teens, can do that for a parent, it will communicate that your parish is for families.
Recently our staff looked at the registration process at our parish and discovered that it was a convoluted process that was causing angst amongst parents. The software we were using was fine, but we had built a form that had more questions than anyone would fill out during tax season. So, we asked the question, “How can we make this more simple?”
There are systems, programs, and expectations you have for parents in your parish that create an unnecessary burden. Other industries, from car buying to food delivery, are getting simpler every day. While you can’t simplify relationships, you can make the process to engage and enroll them easier. To help parents engage in your ministry, look at your processes and eliminate anything unimportant. Make it simple, and it becomes accessible.
Once I realized how many emails I miss were from my kid’s school, soccer team, scouts, etc. I stopped giving parents are a hard time for missing my own. While I would love for a 100% open rate on emails, I’m not getting it. What I can do is equip my volunteers and the more engaged parents to help spread the word. Parents and leaders in my ministry know who to text, where to post, and how to get the message into the community. By sharing the responsibility of communication, more people are exposed to what is most important.
Again, I won’t get 100% engagement, and there has not been a year when at least one parent calls me in a panic, saying, “I know I missed the deadline, but can I get my kid in?” Those are the situations where grace is needed. When these parents call, there are no guilt trips or passive-aggressive shaming. There will be times when I have to tell them, “I’m sorry I can’t help you.” but in the end, develop a plan. It seems like an extra step, but when you walk with a parent the extra mile, the relationship you have with them only grows stronger.
Figuring out programming and ministry for this fall will be difficult, but not just for you. This fall, you could grow your ministry by taking time to focus on the parents before you do the kids and teens. Be present in their lives so that they know the Church is with them. Remind them that your local parish is not an organization but a community that helps them fulfill their role as a parent. And stronger parents mean stronger disciples of Jesus Christ.