Fostering Real Belonging in Church Communities

I remember a young woman in our youth ministry who, from day one, made it clear she didn’t want to be there. She’d sit in the back, hoodie up, arms crossed, barely saying a word. Her mom insisted she come, so she did—but only physically. Emotionally, she was somewhere else.

We tried everything. Encouraging her. Giving her space. Inviting her into smaller settings where she might feel more comfortable. But nothing changed. She never really engaged, and after Confirmation, she disappeared.

I still think about her.

I wonder what made her feel so disconnected. Did she feel unseen? Did she think no one cared? Was she just fulfilling an obligation and waiting for the first chance to leave? I’ll never know. But what I do know is that she isn’t alone.

Many people, not just young, feel the same way. They show up to church, but they don’t feel known. They go through the motions, but they don’t feel like they belong.

And if we don’t change the way we approach ministry, we’re going to keep losing them.

CONNECTION STARTS WITH LISTENING

If we want people to engage, we need to do more than just invite them in—we need to listen. And I don’t mean nodding along while they talk. I mean really listening.

• Do you ask them open-ended questions and give them space to answer?
• Are you hearing their doubts, struggles, and joys without rushing to correct them?
• Do they feel like their presence in your ministry actually matters?

Listening isn’t just a ministry skill; it’s the foundation of real relationships. If we want people to feel like they belong, we have to first make them feel heard.

Try this: This week, ask a person in your ministry a question that doesn’t have a “right” answer—and just listen. Resist the urge to correct or respond. Let them talk, and see where it leads.

SMALL GROUPS BUILD TRUST—BUT ONLY IF THEY’RE DONE RIGHT

Trust doesn’t happen in a room full of 50 people listening to a talk. It happens in small, personal interactions. That’s why small groups should be the backbone of any ministry for any age.

But let’s be real—just putting people into small groups doesn’t automatically create connection. The magic happens when:

• Leaders show up consistently and invest in real relationships.
• Teens feel safe to ask tough questions without fear of judgment.
• Discussions go beyond right answers and into real conversations.

When people have a place where they feel known, their connection to faith deepens. The key is making sure our small groups aren’t just another program but an actual community.

Ask yourself: If your small groups aren’t working, ask your leaders: Do our teens feel known here? If the answer is no, what small shift could you make this week to change that?

WANT TO REACH MORE PEOPLE? CREATE A CULTURE OF BELONGING

Inclusion isn’t about having a diversity statement on your website—it’s about how people feel when they walk into your space. Does your ministry reflect the young people you’re trying to reach?

Think about it:

• Who’s up front leading? Do people see themselves represented?
• Are different backgrounds, perspectives, and struggles acknowledged and respected?
• Are there opportunities for young people to lead and shape the ministry, not just attend?

The more people feel like they have a voice, the more likely they are to invest in their faith community.

Take action: This week, look at your leadership team. Does it reflect the diversity of your parish? If not, what’s one step you can take to change that?

YOU CAN’T DO THIS ALONE—BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO

If all of this feels overwhelming, you’re not alone. Building real, lasting relationships in ministry takes intentionality—but it doesn’t have to be complicated.

That’s exactly why I’m hosting a free webinar on Tuesday, February 25. It’s called Beyond the Talk: A Free Webinar on Practical Accompaniment, and it’s designed to give you real, actionable strategies to help people or all ages feel seen, heard, and valued in your ministry.

Here’s what we’ll cover:

• A simple framework for training small group leaders to build trust with young people.
• How to make active listening a core part of your ministry’s culture.
• Practical steps to create a space where young people feel like they truly belong.

If you’ve ever wondered why some young people disappear after Confirmation—or if you’re looking for real strategies to keep people of all ages engaged—this webinar is for you.

Sign up here: Click here to register for the webinar

Let’s stop wondering why young people are disengaged and start giving them a reason to stay.