My heart was hurting. I had just finished an angry email from a parent that made me feel frustrated, helpless and hopeless. I immediately began to write back to defend my ministry, refocus the blame and make her regret for unfairly criticizing me. Then I paused, deleted the potential email and ate some ice cream to hide the pain.
Even after 14 years of youth ministry there are moments when I can’t take the pain, I get defensive and swear to myself that I’m done with this job. Part of me wishes that I had thicker skin and could turn off the insults and critiques, but the reality is that I care a lot about what other people think. It’s not so simple to put on the blinders, focus on God’s vision and say, “Whatever.” But, I have to somehow move on.
The first step is acknowledging that there will be conflict in a growing ministry. The next thing you have to do if you want to thrive is to:
If I try to hide my feelings or dismiss them too soon I’m not processing the situation in a healthy manner. Instead I’m storing up the angst for another time. It’s compounding with other moments only to rear it’s ugly head at an inopportune time.
Instead, I have to be okay with being a little hurt. I have to mourn, lament and express what I’m feeling. There are avenues of doing that like going for a run, creating something in the kitchen or talking with a friend. Don’t let people convince you that you have to be stoic, and emotionless, just know what you need to do with them, so that you can eventually be okay.
Whatever you do, don’t hold onto the pain alone. Even if you have an outlet like working out or music share the journey with others. This is why collaborating and working with other youth ministers is so important. They get your pain, and understand your story. They can show you the empathy you’ll need.
Invite people to affirm you and love you. Share with them what you are thinking and feeling and allow them to help you clarify the emotions. Build yourself an entourage who knows when to listen, when to pray and when to guide you forward.
The insults and comments will hurt and while solidarity can be comforting, you will need a more powerful healing. Going to God, laying yourself down to be picked up by Him is key. How you do that is up to you, for me it’s going in front of the Eucharist or seeking out Confession. For you it could be finding a quiet space to reflect and pray. No matter what you do make sure it’s focused on God’s healing Grace.
When you know who you are as a leader it enables you to sort through the truth and the lies. When you know how God created you and who He has called you to be there is nothing to fear. To embrace your identity learn more about personality type (i.e. Myers Briggs or Strength Finders). Meet with a spiritual director, ministry coach or mentor to help identify your strengths. Invest in yourself and learn how to unleash your leadership potential.
You are going to have moments in ministry when someone attacks you. Why they attack you could be for a variety of reasons. Discovering that reason can be helpful, but remember that it’s okay to be human. Just make sure you respond by learning more about who God has created you to be and allow other to guide you. And no matter what always seek God’s healing Grace.
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