I was talking with a client recently who shared some frustrations with her pastor. She told me that he was hard to get a hold of, and when it came to tough decisions he was “burying his head in the sand.” When she asked for guidance regarding the youth ministry, his response was, “Isn’t that why I hired you?”
It’s a frustrating place to be. Ministry leaders want to feel supported, but instead they’re often left to figure things out on their own. When the person you look to for direction doesn’t seem interested, it can leave you feeling abandoned.
But here’s the thing: that’s not the whole story.
Over the past year I’ve been working with a few parishes where the priests are trying to better understand ministry with young people. These men don’t have it all figured out. They’re busy, stretched, and sometimes unsure of what to do. But what has stood out to me is their passion. They want to figure this out. They’re leaning in, even if it’s messy.
And I’ve seen the other side too. An associate pastor I know genuinely wanted to get more involved with the youth ministry. The youth minister invited him to lead a small group, and he tried. But between funerals, confessions, and last-minute emergencies, he kept missing meetings. He felt guilty for bailing and wasn’t sure what his role should be. It wasn’t that he didn’t care—it was that his schedule made consistency nearly impossible.
That’s the tension we live in. From the outside, it can look like priests don’t care. But the reality is more complicated. Sometimes they avoid conversations because they feel overwhelmed. Sometimes they dive in too deep and can’t keep up. And sometimes, yes, they don’t know where to start.
So what do we do when we feel stuck in the gap between what pastors offer and what ministry leaders need? Here are a few thoughts from what I’ve seen work:
If you feel like your pastor is ignoring your emails, don’t just let the frustration simmer. Walk by their office and simply ask, “Can I schedule some time with you this week to sit down and talk about the ministry? I have a few ideas and questions I need your insight on.”
Be ready for them to say, “I have time now,” but if not, make sure you get a date and time on the books. Creating intentional space for the conversation is often the most powerful step you can take.
You don’t have to lead a small group or plan the lock-in to show young people you care. What makes the biggest difference is simply showing up to listen.
The pastors I’ve seen grow the most are the ones who sit in on youth leadership meetings or stop by gatherings just to talk with teens. They’re curious about the world of young people and go directly to the source. That small investment of time builds trust with both the teens and the ministry leader.
At the end of the day, it takes the whole parish. Yes, you need dedicated people leading ministry with young people, but if the priest and parish leadership aren’t finding ways to empower, support, and shape the next generation, our efforts will fall short.
The youth minister may set the tone and lead the charge, but the entire parish has to be behind them. When pastors and staff regularly talk about the wider community—how they’re resourcing parents, how they’re lifting up young leaders—it creates a culture where youth ministry isn’t an afterthought. It becomes part of the parish’s vision.
The reality is that the relationship between a pastor and ministry leader will always be messy, because both are human and both are carrying more than anyone sees. But here’s the good news: you don’t have to figure it out alone. Ministry with young people thrives when leaders and pastors choose to stop burying their heads in the sand—together.