I was irritated by the parishioner’s comment. He wasn’t wrong, but it was rude.
He said, “You look happier.”
When I asked why, he replied, “Because it looks like you’ve put on some extra pounds.”
I laughed it off, but it stuck with me. Not because of the weight, but because he was partly right — I wasn’t exactly happy. I wasn’t unhappy either. I was just exhausted. It was that time of year when everything was happening at once, and all the stress that had been piling up was being mitigated with some “treats I deserved.” Truth was, I wasn’t doing the best job of caring for myself.
Over the years, I’ve learned how easy it is for those of us in ministry to care for others before we care for ourselves. I’ve had clients who make themselves available 24/7 — never fully off the clock. I’ve watched peers neglect their own spiritual lives because they “don’t have time” to meet with a director or go on retreat. We sabotage our own health, even while preaching, “You can’t give what you don’t have.”
And when someone calls us out, we justify it with lines like:
I’ve used all of them. I’ve struggled with self-care and battled through mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical fatigue. But what’s kept me going for the long haul hasn’t been willpower — it’s been creating guardrails that lead to accountability.
I don’t always do a great job of reminding myself to be kind to myself. That’s why I’ve built habits and relationships that act as early warning systems — red flags that make me pause and take stock.
A few people have permission to check in on me or call me out when needed:
An Accountability Partner. We meet monthly over food. We talk life, sports, and ministry, and he has permission to ask the tough questions — even when nothing seems wrong. I have the same permission with him. Before we leave, we always set the next date.
Advisory Board. We meet quarterly. Their focus is usually on the business, but they always ask, “How’s your work-life balance?” When I worked full-time in parish ministry, I had a similar group. Their only job was to make sure I was thinking straight.
Spiritual Director. We meet monthly — sometimes with breaks — but his job is simple: to help me pay attention to my relationship with God. The fact that he’s a priest helps when I need confession and counsel in the same session.
Therapist. Depending on the season, we meet anywhere from every other week to every other month. We’ve built enough trust that nothing is off limits.
I’m also blessed with a supportive family and peers who know when to check in, but I’ve learned it’s unfair to expect one person to carry that entire burden. These guardrails spread the weight and keep me grounded.
Alongside those relationships are a few rhythms and rules that help me stay on track:
The Morning Routine. Gym at 5 a.m., prayer, journal, and planner. It doesn’t happen perfectly every day — weekends are a different story — but this rhythm keeps me anchored. When I skip it, I feel it.
Walking the Dog. Our dog doesn’t let me slack off. Letting her outside isn’t enough — she needs a walk, which means I get steps and a break from the screen. Even if you don’t have a pet, something that forces you to move is essential.
No Social Media or Work Email on My Phone. This one took time. Now that it’s off my home screen, I’m less tempted to scroll or check in. It’s freed up more mental space than I expected.
Breathing Exercises. I didn’t realize how bad I was at breathing until I started focusing on it. A few minutes of slow, intentional breathing before bed or during a drive can change everything. When I’m off physically or mentally, I ask myself, “How am I breathing?”
Prayerful Journaling. I keep a journal nearby for when I’m anxious or overwhelmed. It’s like a release valve — a way to hand over the chaos to God. Sometimes I reread it, sometimes I don’t. But getting it out helps me move forward.
I’m not perfect — that’s why I need these guardrails. They remind me that taking care of my well-being isn’t a luxury, it’s a responsibility. Ministry is demanding and often messy, but it doesn’t have to be a disaster.
So, who’s checking in on you? What guardrails do you have in place?
Because at the end of the day, you can’t pour from an empty cup — and even Jesus took time to rest, pray, and breathe.
If you want to go deeper or need help discovering what drives you, check out the MCODE™ Assessment on our Coaching page. For a few dollars, you can uncover the motivation behind your decisions and what fuels your leadership. [Click HERE to learn more.]