ARE WE SHAMING EACH OTHER FOR THE FAILURE OF THE CHURCH?

Every year, over a million young people leave the Church in the U.S. We see the shift — fewer families in the pews, more gray hair, and growing frustration. And when we try to name the problem, the blame game kicks in:

• Parents don’t care.
• Sports matter more.
• Priests don’t prioritize youth.
• Ministry leaders aren’t doing enough.
• The Church is boring.

Blame is loud. But under the surface, it’s often fear — fear that we’re not enough, that we’ve failed, or that someone else is making it harder. Pointing the finger can feel like protection. But it doesn’t move us forward.

Blame leads to shame — and shame leads to burnout, disconnection, and silence.

I’ve seen parents walk away, not because they stopped caring, but because they were tired of feeling like they weren’t good enough. I’ve worked with parish staff who felt like nothing they did mattered, no matter how hard they tried. And I’ve felt it too — the sting of being blamed for why someone left the Church, the guilt of not doing more as a parent or leader.

But shame isn’t of God. And it’s not how the Church fulfills her mission.

If we want to rebuild trust, we have to shift from blame to shared ownership. That begins with synodality — “a path of spiritual renewal and structural reform that enables the Church to be more participatory and missionary so that it can walk with every man and woman, radiating the light of Christ” (For a Synodal Church, 28).

We need more tables, not more podiums. Less control, more listening. I remember a parent early in my ministry who took me to lunch, just to ask about my hopes and struggles. That moment stuck with me — not because he solved anything, but because he saw me. Trust was built.

Shared ownership also means letting go. Sometimes we’re afraid to give others the keys, especially if we’ve been burned before. But ministry isn’t meant to be a solo act. We grow when we let others lead, when we walk with them through success and failure, and when we remember that we are one Body — not separate silos.

So where do we start?

Ministry leaders: Cancel one programmatic or administrative thing this month and replace it with a relational one. Sit with a parent. Host a “dinner with the pastor.” Talk to the people you’re tempted to blame — and just listen.

Pastors and staff: Create spaces for honest conversation. Break down walls between departments. Pray together. Talk about what’s really happening — not just what looks good on paper.

Parents: You don’t have to do it all. Ask for support. Get involved — not because you’re expected to, but because your voice matters.

For all of us: not every problem is personal. Sometimes the issue is the system, the culture, or the expectations we’ve inherited. Ask, “What part of this am I called to engage — and what do I need to leave in God’s hands?”

It’s okay to name the hard stuff. But it’s not okay to stop there.

If we believe God has us right where we need to be, let’s ask what He’s equipped us to do — today.

Instead of assigning blame or absorbing shame, remember this:

God loves you — and His love always wins.

You’re not alone. And it’s not too late.