5 Priceless Principles For Staying Married In Ministry

A young guy fresh out of college once asked me, “Is it possible for someone to pursue a career in parish ministry and start a family full time?”

Courtesy of Ilovebutter/Creative Commons License

It’s a question that I struggled with when I first started on this journey and it’s a question I still wrestle with today.  Being married in ministry is challenging, but doable as long as you:

STAY ON THE SAME PAGE

Before I got married I remember one area of ministry that needed to be addressed with my wife was the fact that I would be working Sundays on a regular basis.  We discussed that while this was different from her work schedule that there were other professions (i.e. nurses) that had odd hours too.

As I started having children I knew it was important to sit down with my pastor and discuss with him some of the challenges I was going to face regarding raising kids.  It was important for him to know that there would need to be times when I had to stay home because of a sick child.

While all the conversations aren’t easy they are important.  When you are on the same page as your pastor and spouse you create clarity.  Clear communication will build trust which is so important if you want to stay married and in ministry.

UNDERSTAND THE LIMITS

You need to protect the time you have with your family.  If you let work bleed into family time you could build resentment towards the church.  But, there will be times when work needs to come first because of a project or season that demands more time.

You need to create boundaries and limits so that you can build margin.  When you have margin you are given the grace, by work and home, to cross those boundaries without major consequence.  To figure out those boundaries sit down and get on the same page with people.

RELY ON EXPERTS 

Fortunately you are not the first person in the world to be married working in ministry.  That means you shouldn’t go at it alone.  Look for

• Books and resources available (Check out Choosing to Cheat by Andy Stanley).  

• Married couples in your parish to coach and mentor you.

• Connect with youth workers who are married and seek their insight.

Build confidence by learning from those who have gone before you.  One disclaimer is for you to make sure you connect with someone of the same sex.  They will understand your struggles better than someone of the opposite sex.

WORK AT IT CONSTANTLY

Being married and working in ministry is not something you figure out and put in cruise control.  It’s a work in progress.  There will be times when everything is going well and other times when you just feel like breaking down.

You need to also build in time when you revisit your calling to ministry.  While there will be times work trumps family in the end family needs to come first.  However, knowing those moments will be a lot clearer if you take the time to examine what you are doing.

PUT GOD AT THE CENTER

This might seem obvious but it’s worth stating.  While you were called to get married and you work in the church it’s really easy to lose sight of the person who put you there.

Make sure prayer is intentionally woven into your marriage and work.  If you need to join a Bible study, small group or attend retreats to make sure God is at the center than do it.

I love being married and I love working in the local parish.  While I love being on this path I know it can be draining.  Remember it is possible and you are not alone.